When I started my first proper job in 1988 the induction process was simple. I met my manager and he wrote down a list of things in his book that I could probably have a go at. Then I was introduced to an INTEL Development station and left to teach myself the CORAL66 programming language. Maybe a paper memo was also distributed around the office telling everyone that I had arrived.
It's not like this any more. Being the newbie is now a trial by all kinds of strange and wonderful ordeals - on the pilgrimage whose prize is termed "getting your IDs". Yet even before you can embark on this journey towards this nirvana of "login" there are so many things to accomplish.
The first test will be to attain the sacred key known as the "ID badge". Without this piece of rectangular plastic no doors will open for you and turnstiles will simply embed themselves in your thighs. Toilet trips will be impossible and going outside for a smoke will inevitably become a one way journey. Obtaining this talisman involves collecting signatures on a form and a visit to a dingy security office. Here you will be photographed by a camera, held aggressively inside your personal space. The picture of you in this anxious state will subsequently go everywhere with you. The ID badge will have to be collected about 1-5 days later depending on how you handled the necessary small talk.
So you are ready for the next stage. Being introduced. You shake the hands of many people whose names you will never be able to remember (because you are now rapidly decaffeinating and focusing only on where the loo might be). Some people are going to be key to your daily work; most of these you wont meet at this time. Now you are plonked at a temporary desk some distance away from those that you just met and left to make friends with workers around you.
As you sit abandoned there, it's time to start considering some of the big questions.
What things do people find funny here? Do you have to buy cakes if it's your birthday? How does the coffee round work? Is it 8-4 or 9-5? When is lunch? How do I charge my phone? How do I login to the wireless network? Would now be a good time to pop a picture of my "new job" shoes on Facebook?
After marinading for a while you will be handed a scrap of paper by your overloaded manager. This has a user name and password on it. These will not log you into the workstation in front of you, despite many attempts. A 30 minute call to the oracle known as "the helpdesk" will be needed. This eventually reveals it's an "0" not a "o" in your user name.
Once you have got past the login screen ordeal, your neighbours will ask you if you are OK with crisips? A quick glance across at the snack machine and you nod the affirmative. Only later on do you discover that CRISPS is the Central Request for Information Systems Provisioning System and without access to this the road to enlightenment is truly blocked.
So the days will pass and with continuous help from CRISPS and the help desk you make good progress. That is of course until the time they call "the coming of the laptop". Near to the much feared security office is another place where you will have to go. It's the desktop support team; here they will have a laptop for you. Don't expect to just march in and exit with your machine. It will be confined to a rucksack that weighs about a hundred kilogrammes - Kensington, Mouse, Power Supply and all sorts of other unfathomable ironmongery will slow your progress. Expect also to have to sign in triplicate for these things.
Everything that previously worked on the desktop computer will not work on this laptop. You wont of course be able to return to that computer to find out why because you are now officially "hot desking". It's back to scratch with the help desk - obviously after you have made friends with a whole lot of new people in your new location.
Then before you know it, there comes that holy day - the day it all makes sense and the higher state of WFH is achieved.
I write all this though as a tribute to that special person in every team; the knight in shining armour. There is always one individual who will take pity on you in your quest, They will go out of their way to sit down and explain how everything works and answer every silly question. To you all, past and present I offer my eternal thanks.
Thanks for reading, I'm back off to my INTEL Development station.
No comments:
Post a Comment